Noconvolutions!

I was down and out mostly worn out due to the stress of being imposed not to do things of my interest in my leisure time.

It was already 14:00 hrs. I was still stuck in finding out “what how why where” s of the ‘whatever’ I was working on. My head thumped with pain when the warped up brain started throwing out pseudopodia in all possible directions within and  the stomach growled at me all the possible curses.

I wished to become an angelic virus and hide in the socket of the plug point at my desk but instead I ended up remaining the same gigantic figure as I am [I definitely am a giant in front of the virus so don’t you ever disparage].

Climbed up the hill to reach a place called “cafeteria”. The place was pleasant enough as compared to the over-chilled ODC.It was warm. I wanted to cuddle up to hhmmm…a fluffy, noiseless, non-stinky and non-shitty hen with 5’0” tall feathers and go to sleep but instead I ate one of its children.

Poor child.

The little creature had some eternal power to be able to palliate my affliction and that power is called “taste”. Never before had I seen such massive power that could whop my thumping brain into a quiescent phase instantly.

Thou chicken, sacrificed thy life for a disconsolate soul, thou benevolent soul, I love thee.

I find very little solace as I reduce thy populace.

Therefore, I promise thee to flush thy bones in a high fidelity place.

Red wine>>Port wine>>…??

I’m not surprised at the incipient awareness that I’ve eventually developed a liking toward tasting various kinds of wine. So far just two…

Well I’m sure that I won’t take myself to the height of becoming an aficionado because I don’t feel the urges to die without wine, not even close to this state and neither am I on such an errand. [This is a written edict for my folks who fear that I might give into temptations and become a “bewdi” in a raw sense].

This is what I want but the means to fulfill it are minimal. You need the right kind of company to taste wine. Unfortunately all my acquaintances with whom I could think of going on a spree are far…far away. That brings down to settling with hot lemon tea from the office vending machine that tastes as awful as a sour substitute for Pinku Gripe Water.

What is it generally that one looks for in wine? The smell? The taste? The after effects? The aftermaths? The sensation?…Whattt?

I thought of asking a connoisseur regarding the details but didn’t do it for two reasons:

1-I wouldn’t have been able to tolerate the self-proclaimed bon vivant’s attitude who pronounces the wine names in a pseudo-French accent which sounds more like French murdered!

2-I couldn’t find a real one.

I didn’t want to ask some of the people I know who have tasted wine because they would sound downright jingoistic and anyways all I would get in explanation is:

This is an awesome flavour.

This tastes beautiful.

This will drive you crazy.

You’ll fall in love with it.

And blah blah…

I don’t have any clues as to what should I conclude from awesome flavored, beautiful tasting, wine that’ll drive me crazy in love [with the wine].Apparently the best option is to hang on till I find the “right” company.

This is an absolutely situational statement that almost each one of us might have made at some point of time. I did.

There has been a phase-wise emotional transition when I might have said the sentence.

In early-schooling days I never said it because that’s exactly how the state of my mind was.

Later I said various versions of it even in situations that didn’t require it. This was particularly due to the influence of the movies that were shown to us in my boarding school [frankly speaking, the movies were meant to deliver some other message probably converting atheists to believing in God].

“I don’t care a fig”.

“I don’t give a damn”.

By Xth it had reached the height [missionary school heights could be as high as speed-breakers huh!!!]

of “I don’t give a f***”. [M glad that none of those martinets of chastity and piousness overheard me saying this else I would be sadly enjoying the standards of a high-school drop-out now].

There was a time ,I would say it when something actually pricked me [no thorn alright!] to serve the sole purpose of the immediate need for self-consolation since the ego wouldn’t allow submission to any second party’s sympathy or concern, whatever you may want to call it. So the simplest way was to waive it off superciliously by an “I don’t care” which contradicted every bit of what I felt.

Sometimes I feel like bashing up people with the crudest form of the sentence who try to impose their ideologies on me as if I might be consuming their share of oxygen, but all I manage to do is “silence and a sad look”.

And I didn’t do it for the simple reason that by then I hadn’t resolved not to give a damn to destructive criticism. He he a wind of change might have metamorphosed me…now I think, feel and say different versions of the sentence with a lot of attitude m ready to vouch for. And the bottom line is I feel far far far better off not caring for the unnecessary.

Professionally it’s entirely a different scenario. At the current stage m bound by all means to be a “Peter Keating” and I don’t know when I can practically be a “Howard Roark” or even close to it. Well right now I feel I’m in Ellsworth Toohey’s shoes and talking too much!

“Everything happens for a reason and the reason is always good.”

This has always been my own inspirational speech to myself when the future appears bleak and hopeless. The reason was either good or I adapted myself to the situation and believed that it was a better proposition planned by destiny for me [I may not believe in God but I definitely do believe in destiny. I don’t know if destiny is God]. But it’s the perennial dilemma which makes me go haywire when the time comes to decide on something and the question that keeps haunting me without any answers is, what is the dilemma? It feels as if every situation is a dilemma, every moment and of course the present as well. Like most self-help books which suggest that before every action ask yourself some stupid questions and analyze the stupid answers that you receive, to know the result of your very step whether it’s right or wrong. I read some of them. Asked myself a few of those questions. Concluded that I should send the authors for psychoanalysis tests.

Back to pavilion-confusion, dilemma, chaos, uncertainty, insecurity, perplexity, catch-22 [hah! my favorite word in my small vocab nowadays] all in all I’ve ended up as just another stereotyped commoner with many purposes to serve but aware of none.

It could be the natural process of insatiable human desires because when in college, I wanted to get recruited to a good company with a fat pay package [welll I’ve a very thin one], after I was recruited I was desperate to join the company, after I joined I wanted a good project that might glisten my resume, after I got a project that deals with one of the high-end demanded tools, what now? This is again an idiosyncrasy of any software professional where aspirations keep rising every moment but is it de facto the same phase that I’m going through? Or is it calling for a change from the mundane life that I’m leading? Is this life mundane where each day you meet new challenges of abiding by stringent deadlines? If it is so, is this the right time to change? If not then when is it? In the end, it doesn’t matter what all this substantiates to because I love my work. What matters is, if this is the end or more precisely a satisfied end. For the time-being I want to continue living in the peaceful oblivion of not knowing the obvious.